wanna go halves on a baby?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
