I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
