I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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