Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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