I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
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So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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