My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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