you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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