Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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