Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
