i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
