thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
