i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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