omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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