how can u be prego again
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
