this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize