I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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