I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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