Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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