I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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