The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
