you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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