i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
