i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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