I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Thank you for not boning my boss.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
