just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
a search helicopter?!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
