omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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