i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
