I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
