R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
