My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
