I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
