a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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