The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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