So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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