I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
