I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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