It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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