i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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