Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
