Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
