Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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