This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
