Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
