I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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