you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
