ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
