porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
