so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
