He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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