So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I just put wine in my tea
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
