I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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