Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
