sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
