I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
