Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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