Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
